Young Maximillian the Moxious

Hello there, faithful viewers! I apologize for the delay; I had no choice but to hold this blog in abeyance until I completed all of my nerdly duties. Anyway, I do believe I am in a smarmy enough mood to recount to all of you the events that transpired during my seafaring days. Believe it or not, I was quite the old salt back in the day. To begin, it would make sense to begin at the beginning...

Young Maximillian the Moxious joined the pirating profession in the summer of his eighteenth year. Always the charmer, Maximillian's bombastic attitude won him the admiration of citizens from all walks of life. But unfortunately for him, his speechcraft was the antipodes of his actual pirating skill; for while his wordplay was deft and masterful, Maximillian did not have much to show in the way of plundering and pirating. In order to change both himself and his image, young Maximillian the Moxious tried to visually demonstrate his supposed prowess. To do so, he resolved to singlehandedly commandeer the next ship that arrived in port; only then would he truly earn the title of pirate.

The very next day, a rather imposing pirate ship titled The Dirty Barnacle lumbered into port. It was at that time that Maximillian decided to make good on his resolution and join the ranks of pirates everywhere in the French Caribbean. As he stepped foot on the deck, he used his incredible clumsiness to make it appear as if he had tripped. Then, deftly and nimbly feigning severe injury and seasickness, Maximillian hobbled over to the captains quarters to rest for a brief period of time. Unfortunately, his unparalleled acting abilities had awakened the captain of the ship, the eminent Prince Malcolm Showers. Showers was usually quite a gregarious fellow, but he appeared to be quite grumpy at having been roused from his slumber. Upon seeing Prince Showers, Maximillian gave a paroxysm of genuine fear, or at least pretended to. Hoping not to exacerbate the already deteriorating situation, Maximillian attempted to exhort the pirate into relinquishing custody of his fair sailing vessel. When that failed miserably, he resorted to telling him the joke about the young pirate who spent a long time learning the alphabet because he spent years at "C." Only then were Prince Malcolm Showers' bad spirits lifted. Offering young Maximillian a brief repast and a hearty potable, Showers politely requested that he join his motley pirate crew. But Maximillian enjoyed living a life unencumbered by work; the last thing on Earth he desired to be was the minion of another. Even more courteously, he declined Prince Showers' offer. Hard feelings having thus been avoided, Maximillian left the ship and left his pirating days behind him where they belonged.

As you can probably tell, my life back in the day was far more exciting than it is now. After I realized pirating was not the career for me, I noticed a firefly hovering delicately next to me. I observed that its cells underwent substrate-level and oxidative phosphorylation to generate enough cellular energy stored in adenosine triphospate molecules to provide enough energy to sustain its flight and was suddenly overcome with a fit of intelligence. From that day onward, I traveled back to my homeland, enrolled in my current high school, and became the nerd we all know today as Maximillian the not-so-Moxious but still rather Clumsy. Indeed, I would take quiet evenings of schoolwork and study to the rigors of piratry anyday.